It Can't Be True, Can It?

>> Sunday, March 18, 2007

"Charlieeeeeeee, candy mountain, Charlie. Chaaaarrrrrrlieeeeeeee," eerie unicorns persuading Charlie, the other unicorn, to go with them to candy mountain. If you haven't seen this popular piece of youtubeness (joyness), watch the video below. But if you're the impatient type, just read the spoiler.

So Charlie went inside Candy Mountain cave, was attacked in the darkness and woke up only to find out that his kidney was stolen. An old urban legend but made especially for kids or for those in need of a good LoL.

I remember a few weeks ago, the Chinese guys in the office dragged my unwilling arse to the dinner table and made me join their happy little picnic of kiwi fruit, mandarin oranges and fake beer--the NA on the label means Non-Alcoholic but until now I don't understand how beer can be NA when it's supposed to be A. It's like decaf coffee. What's the point, right? But wouldn't it be nice if they came up with Non-Deadly cigarettes? Getting off track. Back to the mandarin oranges and fake beer--which I thought was just a drunkard's worst nightmare but turned out to be true. Getting off track again! ARGH!

Fake beer. Can we just talk about this? No? OK. The Chinese guys were so sweet but a bit dumb. They wanted me to join their little picnic but, despite the foreskin, they didn't have enough foresight to see that I'll be OPed in five minutes.

I delighted myself in peeling the kiwi (not the foreskin!) and thought how many brown-skinned fruits were actually green inside. Not too many. Then I focused my attention to Yang. Everyone else was listening intently as he pounded on each Chinese word he spoke. I saw Chinese characters float in front of me and for a while I thought about
Rosie O'Donnell. The tale sounded intense and dark. And like Lola Basyang, he ended his mesmerizing tale in a shroud of mystery that left his audience silent for a minute.

"Uhm can someone translate to me, please?" I broke the silence, kiwi in hand.

"It's about this guy," Jimmy, the only Chinese guy around who can speak English, started to explain, "whose kidney was stolen because," he stopped short because I interrupted.

I told him I already know that story. It's an urban legend. It's not real. It's possible it can happen but not under those circumstances. I wanted to explain to them that the story is too complicated for a kidney heist. I wanted to tell them that kidney robbers would not look for victims in bars because chances are, bar-kidneys are drenched in alcohol and they're better off looking at NA places like Qatar. I wanted to convince them that it is so not true but I decided not to burst their bubble and just shut my mouth and ate my kiwi.

Two days ago Lee showed me the Charlie video and afterwards insisted that the urban legend was true because his father told him about the kidneynappers when he was younger. Oh well, anything to keep the kids in the house.

The man-in-the-iced-bathtub-sans-kidney is probably the mother of urban legends. But there's another one that's popular for Filipino overseas workers, especially those working in the Middle East. It's "The Rape of the Clean Shaven Man". It tells the story of a Filipino who went to look for an honest job in the Middle East and was raped by an Arab man in the desert for no reason. The moral of the story? Grow a moustache. The thicker the moustache, the stronger your protection against rape.

It can't be true, can it? And don't tell me that a friend of your friend has first hand experience.

Just to be clear though, why I shave has nothing to do with this urban legend.

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